I would like to express the hardship I’ve been enduring the past several months. I know it is off topic from my last post but I feel that it’s important to understand my daily struggles as well.

I have been out on medical leave from work for several months. I was released from my Dr. yesterday to return on March 13. I am extremely excited to get back to work and move forward from all of this.

‘All of this’ started in November. I called off work on a Monday. I sat in bed completely numb. I didn’t even feel guilty for calling off. The past several weeks I’ve REALLY seen how the department operates. I struggle with this because in my last department, I was extremely close to my supervisor. We are still good friends today. I came back to this company because I felt like it was my home. I accomplished so much in the 3 years I worked for the company prior. Things have really changed in the 2 years I went to the sister company. The majority of the building works from home. I guess I just wanted the same feeling about work I had prior and I feel stuck. Currently, I’m in a contract for 18 months which basically means I’m unable to apply for other positions until that time period is up. Anyone who knows me, knows that is a HUGE commitment for me.

Speaking of commitments, I would like to discuss some emotions that are attached to all of the numbness I’m feeling. I started talking to someone in 2013. This person was deployed so contact was via Facebook. As months progressed, we would talk more often than not. Said person was afraid that when he came home he would not have a ride to his house. I went out of my way and made sure to be there once he got off the bus. I took him to his location. Didn’t hear from him for months. We had talked months prior about going to see Jason Aldean in concert. I got tickets for me and a friend. I text him once at the concert to see if he was there. He stated none of his friends wanted to go. Communication was slim after that. I was extremely angry that this person just fell off the earth once he got what he needed. At one point we did text and he stated his grandmother passed away. ( He was extremely close to his grandmother) I let the situation go and accepted what he said.

2013-2014 Months went by without communication. One night I received a text asking if I wanted to go wheeling. I had just came home from the dr due to ear infection. I expressed how I was not feeling well. He gave me the run around how I never want to hang out. I decided to go. We talked about high school. We were not friends, so it was interesting to hear his side. He dropped me off and communication stopped again. I remember he had text one night asking if I wanted to watch a movie but I declined. Days later he posted on Facebook, he was in a relationship. I was so fucking angry.

2015-2016 Obviously, we did not talk while he was in a relationship. I had sent him a message on Facebook one day because there was a post of Step Brothers 2. ( when we talked while he was deployed, we would always go back and forth with lines from the movie) Surprisingly, He responded. Some time had passed and I messaged if he was out on his bike the other day because I thought he passed me. He stated no. I’m not sure of the timeline here but the one conversation was about his accident. He was on his bike coming back from getting a haircut and a dump truck ran him over. With that being said, the girl he was with was having a hard time with the change in him and couldn’t handle it. I remember him messaging me that it was finally over and that him and his friends were going to get the remainder of his things.

From that moment on, we talked everyday. I expressed to him the hurt he caused me. He made the comment that he was willing to work at his place at the table. We ended up meeting one night at a bar he was at with a bunch of his friends. He wanted to leave but he did not drive. His friends were still doing their thing. I told him I would take him home. When we got in my car, he kept asking if it was ok I took him home. Apparently, he was not used to this situation. I dropped him off and went on my way. After that night, we had started seeing each other more often. We would go riding around in his Jeep.

A Friday night in May, I decided to go with my friend to a bazaar where her husband was playing. ( he’s the drummer in a band) Way too many drinks, said person had not talked to me all day. I started to get that feeling again that he was just disappearing. Finally, I got a text. I said that I wasn’t sure I could drive home. He called and said that he would arrange for someone to drive my car home and he would take me home. At this point, my friends husband had introduced me to his buddy he worked with. We danced and drank together. No biggie. By the time the show was over, I was in bad shape. The friend had asked if I just wanted to stay at his friends house with him and he would take me to my car in the morning. I called said person back and said I wasn’t sure what was going on and I would have to call back. From this point things are very sketchy for me. I know my keys and phone were taken off of me. I woke up in some random house on a couch. I asked this guy to take me to my car. We exchanged numbers. Went on my way. Said person had left voicemails and messages asking if I was ok etc. I explained what happened. So, then Saturday night, said person decided he was going to go to a friends house that needed to talk because of her situation. I called bullshit but who was I to say anything at this point. Sunday came and this other guy asked if I wanted to go for lunch. I agreed. While out to lunch and after, I was getting messages from said other person. I made the decision to meet up with said person so we could talk. We ended up driving around. I told him that I lacked confidence in the situation just based off the past between us. I remember when he dropped me off, as I was getting out he said, please have confidence in this.

Days had past and I was in a pickle. This other person knew of this said person because apparently when walking back to this house I spent at, I had spilled about talking to this guy again and what he did in the past to me etc. So, long story short, I ended up picking ‘said person’. Initially, the time we spent together was nice. I was very shy but it was working. I opened up about some things to him. He was extremely understanding. He had went away for a few weeks due to training. It was tough. I was doubting and the arguing started. We ended up breaking up after a few weeks. It was a tough time for me. I had changed jobs. I was sleeping in hotels away from Kayla for training. I just wanted his understanding and love. As months passed, hurtful things were said back and forth. In August, he had text if I wanted to go for lunch. I agreed. We ended up spending the entire day together. It was really nice. No fighting.

Things were changing in my life. I was starting another new job. My ‘family’ was going through some issues so I ended up moving in to try and help. At one point, I sent him a message and said maybe we should try again. He made every excuse up in the book. We didn’t talk for awhile. 2017- We had been in contact several months later. We ended up going for a drive in his new car with his one best friend. We dropped his friend off and continued driving through the night. When he dropped off his friend, he had mentioned he wanted to go to this garage for an estimate on things he wanted to do to his vehicle. His friend stated he couldn’t. When we got back to my car, I said if he wanted to go tomorrow that I would go with him. He had text me the next morning asking if I wanted to go on the road trip. I agreed. We had such a good day. I had just got over the stomach flu, so I brought pretzels. We were at a red light and he had asked for a pretzel. I had just put one in my mouth. I grabbed his hand and spit it out. He ate it. Days later he had text me very vaguely, that he was wrong about something and he’s never really had this happen before. I asked if he still had feelings for his ex. And he asked who? And I mentioned the persons name he was with for that time period I mentioned above. He said noway. It ended up coming out it was me. He had sent me that this picture that said ‘ you’re my kind of perfect’. We tried again. It only lasted a few weeks again. We would argue over the dumbest things possible. Things that didn’t/ shouldn’t matter as I look back.

Months went by, I thought this time was it for me. Do not contact. Move forward. It didn’t work. It’s not meant to be. One night in August, I had one too many glasses of wine at home. I ended up sending a very long text to him. I deleted him. I knew he wouldn’t respond. Hours later, he responded. He ended up picking me up. We drove around for awhile. We stopped numerous times so I could vomit. Yeah it was lovely. He even let me blow my nose in his jacket at one point. We stopped at Sheetz. He got me smart water, medicine and tums. I asked if we could go home after that. When I was getting out, he said he had groomsmen stuff to do today but he would be In contact. I text him one night driving home from work as I passed him. He asked if I wanted to see the house he bought. I agreed. His one friend came along as well. He showed me the house etc. They started a fire. They went inside to make dinner and I relaxed by the fire. I knew at that moment, that was where I wanted to be. They ended up coming out. We talked for awhile about all different things. Joked about if him and I were friends in HS that we would of went to all the dances together. He sat next to me. My heart still feels it when I’m typing this. I wanted to feel this comfort forever. His friend wanted to watch a tv show they liked. We went to his room and he was trying to clean up clothes on the floor quickly. It was a little suspicious and I saw flip flops. I asked whose they were but didn’t get a response. My anxiety at this point was through the roof. I was shaking. I asked how long the show was going to be and went downstairs. I ended up calling my one friend and telling him the situation. While on the phone, he ended up coming down the steps asking what was going on. I said I asked about the flip flops and you didn’t respond. He’s like oh, they are my water shoes. I ended up blowing it off and went upstairs until it was time to go. His friend ended up taking me home. He only lived a few streets over from me. I had spilled the beans about my anxiety and my feelings I still had for this person.

A few months went by, not contact. I ended up sending him a song while I was out that was playing that I sent him years prior, that was like a funny between us. He ended up texting back. We talked here and there. He called me when I was at my family’s house for gift exchanges around Christmas. We talked for awhile. 2018-We didn’t talk for a few weeks and then out of the blue he messaged me. He called me while I was at work and we talked briefly. He had said something vaguely again about telling me something but it would have to be in person. We scheduled a day to meet. He asked if I wanted to come to his house. He had friends over but they were to be leaving. I stopped but the friends ended up staying longer than anticipated. He asked if I would meet him tomorrow because he was tired and didn’t want to be for the conversation. I said I would think about it. He text me the next day that he needed to get his tire fixed. I said ok. In my mind I went to panic mode. He’s bailing on me again. I had a lot going on at work and let’s add that to it. We went back and forth a few times because I was like maybe we shouldn’t meet. And he said I just need to get this fixed and we can meet. So we ended up meeting. We went to his house quick to pick up a paper he needed to take to his grandfather. So as we are leaving the driveway he asked if I was ready. I said of course( it meant we were going to go at unreasonable speed on the dirt road) He neighbor ended up flagging us down, his dog had ran loose. Said person decided to throw in their conversation he might be getting a dog. I completely forgot by the time we were driving. As we got to the town his grandfather lived in, I said oh you are getting a dog?!! He knows I love animals. He said yeah, I might be. This person got this dog which I think was for my birthday and is having a hard time taking care of it. As we parked at his grandfathers I asked, a guy or girl got you this?! And he said a girl. He opened the door, said he would be right back and walked up the steps. I was FUMING. I was ready to go bat shit crazy. Like the Carrie Underwood song, I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive,
Carved my name into his leather seats. I text Amber and told her what was said and I was shaking at this point. Finally, he comes back down and gets into the car. He says’ ready to talk’ I turn my head at him. Like he fucking knew. So I asked for him to explain. He ended up telling me he started seeing this woman he works with. The situation is complicated. He has no feelings for her. But does not want to ruin his career and have to go to another prison to work. He has tried subtly saying and doing things but it doesn’t work. She has kids. He stated he did not want to be the father figure in that situation. He said it was as if his heart was dead when he was with her. I had to roll my window down at this point( it was the end of February). We drove for awhile going back and forth over this situation. I had to pick up my cousins dog and take him home so we stopped and got him. On the way to my car, said person says, you know why you are here right? You know why I’m telling you this? I said honestly, I think I know but you need to say it. And he’s like I still have feelings for you. I still like you, I still have your blanket. I never got rid of it. ( I had left my blanket that has my name engraved in it at his apartment when we dated the last time) He ended up telling me that his friend told him what I had said months prior when he took me home.

This persons birthday was 2 days away when we met. I ended up finding his favorite band was playing in NJ. Got him tickets. I work in WB and lived in Millville. Once I got home, amber and I went to Muncy looking for this specific thing I was looking for. I wanted to do like a bracelet or something that reminded him of me. Ended up finding these 2 bracelets in this packaging that said something like ‘ no matter the distance between 2 hearts, they always find their way back to each other.’ And it said these bracelets are for when you are apart to remind you of each other. I’m like well this is perfect. I got blue( color of his car) and purple( my fav color). Got him this adorable cat card. He sang and everything. The day of his birthday he said he was going to get some rest, he works 3rd shift. Didn’t end up hearing from him. Got home. Nothing. I was extremely upset. I had ran all over to make sure he had presents and he’s blowing me off. I ended up going to sleep because I started to cry and I wasn’t doing it. He ended up texting when he woke up. We went back and forth. I told him I had gifts for him. I said I was going to be away this weekend and he said well there is still tonight. I ran to the store quick and got him a cupcake. ( he doesn’t really like sweets but it’s his birthday) So, I get to his house. He opens the gifts. He couldn’t believe I got him the tickets. I told him when he opened the bracelets to not think too much about them. He said you still know I need to take care of my situation right? I said I know. We ended up going for a drive. He picked the purple bracelet and put it on his shifter.

I went away that weekend with my niece. We talked a little bit. Days past. I ended up staying home the one day from work due to snow. He was off that night. I ended up going over. Did some work. We ended up on the couch for most of the day. It was nice. We hadn’t really did much relaxing in the past together. At one point, my anxiety was getting bad because he still didn’t deal with his situation. He asked if I wanted to go for a ride. ( that was our way of talking the more I type that) I had asked him previously about the conversation between him and his friend when his friend told him what I said awhile back. He always said it was a conversation for another time. Well, he ended up telling me that night. I remember the exact road and location on the road it happened. He said that his friend brought me up one night. Told him about the conversation we had. Said person responded with, ‘I love the girl, I just couldn’t stand the arguing over nonsense’. I was quiet because I could not believe that was just said. He asked if I had anything to say and I said no. I changed the subject and showed him the cake my best friend was making for my birthday party. I had invited him. He would ask everyday what I wanted but I told him nothing. He still never held up his end of the deal.

A few weeks later, I had found out who the person is he was seeing. I text him and basically lost it. I removed him from coming to my birthday party. I was angry. He still never handled his business. It’s been almost a month now that he has told me all this stuff. I sent him a picture of my cake at my party. I was upset he wasn’t there. It definitely impacted my mood. It sucked because I had friend and family around me and I felt so alone. He ended up responding with’ don’t send me pictures of your cake when you decided to send nonsense the other day’

A week or so after this, I text him this long message. I was so over everything he has said and put me through. Disappearing. He responded with saying that I would never hurt him with my words. He came back at me and said that, I was a stuck up bitch in high school. (I never talked to him in HS) I wasn’t living on my own at the time so he decided to throw out there that I do not live on my own( he had 2 people living with him), I didn’t own my dream car and I was working a dead up job. Called me a thot. A bunch of other things I can’t remember. I called off work for days after that. I would take melatonin after melatonin to sleep. As the week progressed, I knew I wasn’t going to make it through this. I was driving 98 miles a day. I was done. I decided on that Thursday to go to the hospital.

I spent 5 days in the hospital. I will go further into that in my other posts. At one point I had messaged him when I was home for awhile and told him I spent time in the hospital. We didn’t talk very much. Here and there. Amber and I were at the grocery store the one day and he text me. He asked if I wanted to go to this one concert with him. I said what about your gf? He said no. Just no. I said well ok I will go. And he said seriously? I said yeah why not? I have enough time to learn the songs. He said fair enough. After that we would send each other different songs. He sent me one day, Kevin Gates, Fuckin’ right. That really got to me. ( if you listen to this song. Please be advised of the words. Also, music was our thing. We would always send songs back and forth from all genre) But he still never held up his end of the deal. I ended up getting mad at him and told him I’m not going to the concert. He said that I make decisions too quickly about some things. He brought up in one conversation that his thing bumped into my one friend. I text my one friend and she’s like uh no, I haven’t seen her in years. Just stupid drama. In September I believe, we were talking and I had said to him that I just wanted him to be happy. If that means getting married tomorrow, I would be happy for him. He got angry. Obviously because he is miserable. So after this, his friend messaged me that said person kicked him out of his house. Apparently, the friends gf pissed said person off and he lost his shit. I was drunk one day, I ended up texting him and I said ‘ looks like you lost 2 people out of your life this month’ I blocked him after that. He ended up messaging his friend questioning him if I knew what happened between them. I called him in November when I was struggling. He called me back and asked why I was calling him. I said I really just wanted to talk. ( for whatever reason, when I’m in pain, I want to talk to him. Absurd right? All he has done is cause more pain) So he said, I don’t know why you are calling me. Call (friends name) since he is who you want to talk to. Clearly, I got to him. I sent him a message on Facebook in December I believe after I ended up doing something stupid. I had went for a drive for about 2 hours because I was a hot emotional mess. I just expressed that regardless of what has happened, I will always care about you. What you did to me was not fair. I never got a response of course. 2019-March 1 was his birthday. I wished him a happy birthday and told him the diagnosis of kayla( my cat). Never got a response. Not surprised.

*** I would like to add about those concert tickets I bought for his birthday. The concert ended up being postponed due to the one member needing surgery. I just checked my email yesterday and saw that the concert took place in December. I’m sure he didn’t go and my money went wasted***

You are probably reading this and shaking your head. How could I be so stupid? Why would I give someone so many chances? You do stupid things for people you think you love. I am not regretful from all of this. I do not regret anything I’ve done in my life. I feel betrayed. Used. Angry. My self confidence was already in the shitter and allowing myself to participate in these events made it worse. I am sick of feeling I will never be good enough.

I hope someone out there is reading this and can relate. You do not deserve to be treated this way. It is not acceptable. As much as you do not want to give up, it’s not worth holding on. You are not going to get anywhere except repeating the same vicious circle. You deserve love. Security. Happiness.

Thank you for always choosing another woman over me every single time. Thank you for always dragging me along thinking we could do this and then 4 days later not responding to my texts, calls etc. Thank you for bringing in your bullshit and making me believe you were actually being sincere for once in your life with me.

Thank you. Thank you for making me a stronger, wiser woman.

Part I.

I was born on March 29, 1988. My biological mother had her own barber shop. My sperm donor worked for a reputable company for countless years. In my eyes, I was an only child. My sperm donor was married previously and had 4 children. His previous wife had 1, which he took over as father. My sperm donor and my biological mother were roughly in a 20 year age gap. With that being said, his 2 children were old enough to be my parent. So, that is why I considered myself an only child. My biological mother had type 1 diabetes. Her mother passed away from the disease. You would think that would of made my mother take better care of herself. My parents split when I was about 5( timeline is not very clear for me). My sperm donor thought it would be acceptable to leave a small child with a woman who could not take care of herself. I didn’t see him often as she would not allow contact. Although, he did come over from time to time to fulfill their needs. A 5 year old child should not even be aware of such. Role models here. I spent a lot of time at our neighbors house. An elderly couple. I must say I was blessed to have them. They taught me so much and made me feel like I belonged. I will go more in depth with my neighbors at a later time.

I believe my parents ended up divorcing. My mother was very unfaithful. It’s sad I am aware of that considering my age but I was subjected to A LOT. I was shuffled around a lot during that time. Neighbors, sperm donors children’s homes etc. I don’t really remember school. So much was going on around me. I have a calendar book from the elementary school I attended, and once you go through the months, it seemed that every few days someone else was signing that I completed my homework.

I will go further into the life my mother led in another entry. As well as my sperm donor.

I know this is a very basic overview of my childhood from birth to 6. Unfortunately, I do not remember a lot from those years. ( Good anyway) I have very limited pictures. The pictures I do have are from when I was an infant.

Like I said above, I will do separate entries for my parents. As well as certain situations within that timeline. I feel it is necessary to speak fully in each subject to understand.

Until next time,


From the beginning

I’ve kept my life a secret. I always told myself that no one wants to hear your drama filled life story. How you spent the majority of your life in survival mode. Never knowing where you would end up next being in the foster care system. I had to learn coping mechanisms that would distract me from the awful reality. Those coping mechanisms helped me through at the time but now are extremely harmful to my life. How do you re-groove your mind after 21 years? How do you make the never ending cycle in your mind stop for just one minute? I wish I had all of the answers but that is the purpose of this blog. To explain the physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Finding new ways to fill my mind with positive thoughts. Also, potentially helping someone else out there that is afraid to speak up. I would rather risk being judged my narrow minded people at this point than keep the demons inside one more day.

For anyone who will be reading this, please be prepared for raw emotions.